


Both (and/or) Neither

by jrdexex



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-26
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-03-24 03:18:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13802265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jrdexex/pseuds/jrdexex
Summary: Complicated and contradictory, this is the story of the person who was once called Izuru Kamakura and Hajime Hinata, as told from his very own mind. It fills in the gap left in between SDR2 and UDG, as well as continuing on to touch on V3.





	1. I am a New Creature

_Even  so,  I will  k e e p  o  n  . . .l i v i n g . . a s   H a j i m e    H i n a t a. . ._

 

I watch the members of the Future Foundation sail away in the cruise liner. They had been here when I and the rest of my classmates had woken up. They immediately explained the situation and the results of our killing game. Everyone seemed unsurprised, distant and tired. That was, in fact, the plan, and no one was surprised at this deadly outcome. The innocent selves I had created in the computer had more hope than what I anticipated, although this outcome was an obvious possibility.

And so, when they told us that our avatars wanted us to build a new future, none of us particularly objected, at least, not verbally. I doubted that such hopeful people expected us to do so, thinking that we were somehow different than when we entered the program, although Togami kept both of his eyes and pistol trained on me. It was fairly simple to convince Naegi that I had changed. I cut my hair and told him I was going to bring back my friends, and find my memories. I even pretended to have a flashback to the island, "remembering" who I was as Hajime Hinata. I doubt Togami would have ever believed me, but Naegi was blinded by his hope, and Kirigiri followed him.

As for my classmates, the despair of the failed plan was destabilizing for them. They asked a few questions about the specifics of how the killing game went before I decided that we all should bring the storage chambers out of the cruise boat and let the Future Foundation leave. They knew I had a plan, which, obviously, I did and as expected, they fell into line. Junko did not choose them for their independence.

* * *

Creating the Neo-World program was interesting for me. It was easy enough to erase my "classmates" memories to the point before Junko... _"infected"_ them with despair.

I, however, had a different issue. I had to rebuild my own memories and form them into who I thought I was before I was what I am. "Hajime Hinata" was almost completely erased from what they called, "Izuru Kamakura". There was not enough left of him, the original him, to really call what I made part of my mind into for the stimulation, "Hajime", although I did. I had to make the avatar from what I knew about him from his property and records while filling in the blanks with what I thought I would look like if I had hope. And, that hope took the form of someone like Naegi, but who was meaner, more suspicious, sarcastic, and smarter.

Or.. that was how I remembered while being him. My classmates should be slowly remembering what had happened within the program, but I... I...

My head feels fuzzy and aches like I am not fully awake. I feel... very, very, very tired.

Hajime or, more accurately, 'avatar Hajime' was seeming to act on his own, to try and get me to save his friends like he has a mind of his own. Perhaps my mind is playing tricks with me-- from the false memories of the person that I created.

I could restart the program, restore our dead classmates to their bodies, as both the creator of the program and the Ultimate Talent Student.

( _But really, how talented can a high schooler be?_ ) My mind asks, vaguely. I am currently.. too tired to think straight. Something is wrong with me. Many things are wrong with me.

I sit on a cold metal cot and lie back, closing my eyes, and mentally access the situation.

My hair is too short, I am cold, my scars are showing, and I am not alone in my brain. Hajime Hinata, the person whose body I was built in and whom I partially recreated is in my _\--his--?_ brain again. I expected him to live in the paradise I built for him with his friends, or perhaps graduate and I would be the one erased...but this _co-_ existence hurts.

I told the mechanic to start trying to bring them back and that I would be indisposed for several days, but would help him in a bit. At least I have this time to sleep. 

* * *

I sleep for a much longer time than I intended. I have been too tired to lift a finger.

I know that Mikan and Teruteru are alive, because I am vaguely aware of being fed food, my clothes being changed by these people. It is in Teruteru's best interest that he touches me as little as possible as he feeds me the _(tasteless, surely it is not)_ soup.

Later, I hear hushed voices discussing my condition.

"All I k-know is that he s-shouldn't be doing that.." Mikan says, distressed, and with the door almost completely closed. All I can see outside the room I have been sleeping in, is a blurry purple line in the space between the door and its frame, which I assume is her.

"I'm not a d-doctor...I'm doing my best." Her tone changes to a low, insane and angry one, that I suspect that whoever she is talking to is at the receiving end of an insane smile. There is a noise that I recognize as something sharp being driven into flesh.

"SO s _ToP ASKInG!_ " She yells. 

Distracted, I feel my hair tickle the underside of my ear, apparently, it is now about chin length. ( _How long has it been since I was awake ?)_

"We can decide on if to wake _**him**_  up without _Kamakura's_ input!" The purple blur steps out of my vision and I lose interest. She is not talking about me, I think. Someone she violently dislikes.

With a considerable grunt, the person she is speaking to replies with annoyance. "You weren't here when he was up, Mikan!" Kazuichi snaps. "He's _Hajime Hinata."_

Both of those names sound familiar, but I do not have a split personality ( _I hope_ ).

Then, perhaps I met this person. ( _People?_ ).

I quietly pull myself up into a sitting position and look around for something to use to tie up my hair, doing my best to focus on eavesdropping on the conversation outside. My head has stopped hurting enough for me to properly think. As I look around the room, I spot a mirror, and belatedly put it together. I have two eye colors, green and red calmly blinking back at me from the other side of the mirror. They are talking about me. The memories slowly start to shuffle and re-focus themselves in my mind.

I wonder which one I am--the one named "Hajime Hinata" or the one they called "Izuru Kamakura". I take into consideration the memories of the Future Foundation and the memories of the island before I decide. The best course of action is that I should present myself as Hajime Hinata, especially if my classmates had integrated their memories. I never felt much connection to the name Izuru Kamakura, and now, I feel only a bit more comfortable with Hajime Hinata, because I am very much _not bored_. I wonder if I will be bored later on. 

For now, I feel very strange and different, like a person whose teeth have been knocked out and replaced with dentures. 

I pull open the door and quietly follow the receding voices of my classmates. There is someone who I want to talk to. 


	2. I am Annoyed

“...Then wake him up.” I said bluntly demanding to the room with what I once thought were my classmates. They are being infinitely frustrating, and I'm getting a migraine.

 _(Or, perhaps, their stupidity is infecting my brain.)_ I think with annoyance. They are simply not listening, and a conversation that should have lasted two sentances has stretched out to two hours of arguing, while most of them either talk amongst themselves or give me dissaproving looks in the common area of the hotel

“If you can, just do it. I want to talk to him.” I lean against a scalloped pillar and groan, while squeezing the bridge of my nose. 

  
“Hajime, there’s just nothing to say to that man. He’s crazy!” The red-head photographer protests looking up from her computer, a couple others 'hmming' in agreement. I don't care enough about her to remember her name. Mikan approaches from the other side and sneakily tries to check my temperature. Irritated, I swat her hand away. ( _Stop pretending to care, I'm just fine.)_

  
“Izuru, y-you just woke up from a coma, you aren’t thinking straight—remember what he did-?” Mikan adds. Nidai nods in agreement, he was casually blocking the door that leads to the last person sleeping with his arm, but then walked over to pin my hands down so Mikan can check my temperature freely. 

 _(Bitch.)_ I mentally growl, not bothering to resist just yet.

  
“Um, its _Hajime_.” Kazuichi, who hasn't been working on anything, and just lying on the cold stone pavement in the shade corrects. “Right?” He looks at me, and I glance away, avoiding the question by trying and failing to force Nidai and Mikan’s hands off of me.

   
“I’m fine. What’s your problem?! I don’t need to be babied by any of you." My tone's getting tight and frustrated. My green eye twitches.

“Aren’t you still Remnants of Despair?” Nidai’s grip on my upper arm tightens. I give Mikan a nasty look, and she doesn’t come closer. I continue, glaring at the small blond boy who looks supportive, " _You_ chose to rip your own eye out and replace it with Junko's-and _you_ -“ I glare at Nidai, “Wanted that privilege so badly you almost murdered him for it, settling with _only skin grafts_.”

Nidai's face darkens. _(Oh please. I'm too week to properly rip your stupid arm off. Or sprint anywhere.)_ With a dark glare at all of them, I snap, “You all _**chose**_ to give up hope after seeing your precious Nanami die.”

   
The _Princess_ protests, pointing a finger at me. “No! We were brainwashed! How can you say that?!” _(Oh, now, you say something. I thought you might have something useful to say, or maybe staring at Gundam exercise shirtless has melted your brain)._

  
“..He is Izuru Kamakura, a spirit almost as malevolent as my own.” The delusional breeder intones.  _(Or maybe just being in proximity to such an idiotic person makes it contagious.)  
_ My headache's a lot more uncomfortable, and its making me grit my teeth and want to scream at these imbeciles. Nidai's proximity is also uncomfortably warm, especially for this humid of an island.

  
“You really think that?” I say with a sarcastic smile to the Princess, who doesn't look like she's sweating at all, which makes me more irritated.  
“..Enoshima isn’t a magical programmer. There were barely any mind-altering visuals in her video. Nothing to create ultimate despair.” I say in as clear a tone as possible, so that their thick heads can understand it. This reminded me of a class trial, whose emotional trauma was matched by a painful and frustrating resistance to logic.

  
“That’s just not possible! We could not have just done..all of those horrible things on our own!” Nevermind insists. 

  
“Junko just killed our class president! We wanted to kill her!” Mahiru adds. "Why would we suddenly side with her?"

  
I cut their protests off before the _delusional one_ opens his mouth to gang up on me more. “I was there.”

  
“How do we not know you’re just lyin’, Kamakura?” The cook says.

_(Shut up. All of you **shut up** and just **listen**. My brain feels like it is being cooked in this heat and stupidity. Just let me see Nagito, damn it.)  
_

  
“Brainwashing doesn’t work like that,” I said, drawing out the words like everyone I'm talking to is a child. I then glance at both Mikan and Kazuichi who should definately know something about it, “Right?“

They look hesitant.  I sigh. _(Of course, they do.)_

“Brainwashing takes a lot of time.” I prompt.

  
“But that video! Was different!” Himiko glares, lightly banging her fist on the table for emphasis. 

  
Ibuki looks like she hesitantly believes me, looking up from softly strumming her guitar. In this heat, even her normally blasting speaker seems to wilt,  “There was something in the sound that was weird.. I think..”

  
“Stay focused.” The imposter says with determination. _(For fuck's sake.)  
_

'“..Izuru. You will not succeed in convincing us. Stop trying to bring us back to despair. Just.. go and rest.” He looks disappointed. Many of the others also do, probably because they miss Hinata. I roll my eyes. 

  
Akane gives a half-hearted, “Yeah!”

   
Mikan starts helping me up, saying something about ‘sleep, feeling better, more like yourself, rest, let’s go’ I don’t care enough to really listen. I’m also tired, and my head hurts.   
_(Idiots, living in denial does nothing...)_

* * *

“..I had hoped that he was not just pretending to be Hajime to get the Future Foundation to leave.” Sonia says wearily. She sticks her hand in the small garden fountain and touches it to her forehead to cool down.

  
“What are we going to do?” Akane asks, sitting with her feet in the water.

“..You know, since he’s such a monster!” She says with a soft grunt, lifting Gundam up like a deadlift weight.

  
“He helped Junko kill Chiaki! Why should we help him?!” Hiyoko says sharply, fanning herself in the shade.

  
“..are we sure that he really is Kamakura..?” Ibuki says with her eyes half shut, sitting with her back to a nearby pillar. She’s been oddly quiet, thinking over what Hajime-Izuru-Hinata-Kamakura said.

  
“..The first thing he did was to ask for Nagito!” Mahiru says. She's standing up with her hands on her hips and frowning.

  
“Nagito, who tried to kill us all.” Hiyoko adds for emphasis. 

  
“Yes. That one. Then he lied and said we weren’t brainwashed into doing all of those awful things!” Mahiru continues. 

  
“..Hey, stupid slu- Nurse. Just stop helping that piece of garbage.” Hiyoko says, when the Imposter and Mikan re-enter the garden.

  
“..and let him die?” Peko says quietly. “The very thing we should not be doing..?” She's tanning in the sun near Sonia with Fuyuhiko.

  
“Don’t you remember what he did?!” Hiyoko shoots back, finger pointing in accusation at Peko.

  
“..he was once Hajime. You forget that.” Peko says with a sigh.

“Perhaps he still can be returned to us. Kazuichi, you still may yet be able to restore his memories. I sense perhaps a chance of hope for him, although none for myself...” Gundam says philosophically from above, in Akane's arms. "The program was built with mechanisms to revive us, and if Kamakura truly built it as such, he cannot be completely blackened."

  
Fuyuhiko groans, finally forcing himself to enter the unpleasent conversation, “So, what are we going to do? We have to do _something_. We can’t just let him do whatever he wants and wake up that lunatic bastard.”

  
“We can’t let Nagito sleep forever, especially when we can wake him up.” The imposter says, folding his arms and staying in the doorway.

  
“Listen, Nagito hates us and would try to kill us again.“ Fuyuhiko says pragmatically. "He’ll remember that we are remnants of despair and because he loves hope so much, he wouldn’t change his mind and just try to kill us again.”

  
“..We could just put him in the Neo World program again and make him forget,” Akane suggests, Nidai agreeing.

  
“Um, aren’t you forgetting _EVIL JUNKO AI_ \--WOULD BE REBOOTED TOO?!?” Kazuichi is almost twitching at the thought.

  
“..are you sure that is how it will work..?” Peko asks slowly, putting her hand on her chin.

"Yes, I'm sure!" Kazuichi shrieks, and throws his arms up in annoyance, "Did _you_ work on the project?!"

  
“..the man gives me the willies. There’s no fixin’ him, even if the program works without Junko. He’s just whacked.” Teruteru says, eyes half shut and leaning against the pillar. He's been almost asleep for this conversation, and interjects to forcefully show his dislike for Nagito.

   
“As much as I hate _it_ , I’ll agree with that...” Hiyoko says. It seems to refer to Teruteru, as she half points at him with her fan.

  
“Nagito is part of our group. I think we should try to save him.” Nekomaru says. "Even if we must keep him restrained, he does not deserve being turned into a vegetable."

   
“I agree.” Sonia says. Gundam refrains from commenting the opposite.

  
“I _don’t_ , and I’m _not_ going to let you wake him up,” Kazuichi says, "Got it?"

  
“..he is kind of annoying..” Akane agrees, tiredly lifting again, but then sending a small splash at Teruteru with her toe. 

  
“What?" He says, looking up from half ground  spice blend, then when realizes that Akane's asking for his opinion a moment later, he says, "Look. I tried to kill him, and it set off this mess..” He says. “..but.. now I think we shouldn’t do that.”

“Didn’t you just say—“ Fuyuhiko's interruption is interrupted,

“-He doesn’t deserve to die.” Teruteru finishes, and Kazuichi looks _mutinous._

Before he can rant, the imposter says, “Back to the point. We can worry about Nagito later. Kamakura is awake. I think we should continue to help him, do you all agree..?”

Some nod, others look hesitant. In Hiyoko’s case, she folds her arms. “No.” She says stubbornly.

  
“If he is watched?” He says, reasonably, in the most soothing tone he can muster.

  
“...” She folds her arms and looks away. "He's too talented."

  
“You don’t have to if you think he would be too much to handle.” He says gently. “I can do it myself.”

  
“Fine.“ Hiyoko drags the word out, much to several people’s annoyance.  Kazuichi rolls his eyes. “But don’t be _stupid_ and get caught off guard when he tries to kill you. This time you’ll really die.” Hiyoko adds and half-smirks. 

  
“..he’d really kill us?” Ibuki’s tone is annoyed and filled with disbelief. “You really think that? He still remembers everything, at least.”

  
“Hinata fell into despair the second he needed his fake talent more than actually himself,” Hiyoko says. “Everyone knows it. So, d u h. Dumbass, of course he’s a threat! People like that are crazy and unpredictable." She puts her hands on her hips and says, "He’s like Nagito but _worse_!” 

  
The imposter says he'll go watch Hinata/Kamakura for now, almost ignoring Hiyoko's rant, while everyone else lazily stays in the warm garden.


	3. I talk to My Best Friend

I was very tired. I was beginning to think that this was my default state, my brain struggling to run two corrupted "personality files" called Hajime Hinata and Izuru Kamakura. Yesterday’s burst of energy had faded, but each day I grew a little stronger. Other people have started taking turns watching me.

Nidai was the first, then cautiously, Kazuichi. Today was his first day, according to Nekomaru, after our physical therapy session.

“..hello, I’ll be watching you for the rest of today..” He says, walking into my "room" (Cell, more like), awkwardly half waving to the impostor who was leaving. “N-Not in a weird way!” He says after I level a blank stare in his direction.

I sigh. “Why would I think its weird, my 'friend' watching me like some wild animal that’s locked up...?” I’m feeling bitter, and that creeps into my tone. I roll over in bed and pull the covers up to my shoulders. The air conditioning is especially strong in my room, which I would appreciate more if I wasn't stuck here and was let outside more.

“You remember?! But, weren't you.. deleted...!?” He tilts his head quizzically from the corner of my eyes. He's forgetting, of course, that I pretended to be Hajime Hinata to the Future Foundation and to do that, I had to have my memories.

“Of course I remember. I created this program, I know it best, and I didn't make the program delete my memory.” _(Although I probably should have. I was short on time).  
_

Kazuichi mutters, sarcastically, "That would have been nice to know earlier.." I ignore that, closing my eyes, and he finally says, after a few minutes, “Soo.. what do I call you, then?”

“Whatever you want to, Kazuichi. I don’t care.” _(I don't have the answer for that, unfortunately)._ “Okay.” I can feel the awkward tension in the room, and I let my eyes open about halfway. Not enough to show that I cared, but enough to make out his face. He looks hesitant for a few moments before deciding to ask the question on his mind. He moves from towering over the bed and looking down on me, to sitting at the foot of the cot.

“..Hajime. How.. can I trust you? You were..ranting about how we all chose to be despairs and wanting to see Nagito. You can get why we’re worried, right? Like, the first thing you do after getting better--and we all were so relieved when you were normal when waking up.” He sounds uncharacteristically serious.

“I was acting,” I said bluntly. “I don’t trust the Future Foundation. I did what they wanted so they would leave us alone.”

Kazuichi bites his lip and fidgets. I think he’s wondering if I am a despair like he was. I push myself to sit up next to him, with a small grunt and softly grab his shoulder. “I asked for Nagito because there’s a bad situation going on in Towa City and we didn’t have enough time to talk about it before entering the program.”

“...Towa City? Where those air purifiers were being made?”

“Yes, that one. He came late, so I didn't get a chance to ask him about it, and I was too busy to do so before I got... tired.”

“..and by bad situation, you mean.. Bad for Despair or Hope?” Kazuichi says, half biting his lip, uncomfortable with my eye contact and proximity. A green and red eye both looking at him was disconcerting.

“Bad for the people living there. Nagito went to fix it. He wasn’t in despair like the rest of you chose to be.”

“Why do you keep saying that?! Why would we ever CHOOSE despair of our own free will?!? How can you say you’re my friend and say I would do that?!” He’s frustrated and upset and shakes my hand off his shoulder. I close my eyes and sigh.

“Because that's what you did. Komaeda chose hope. You all... did not.” I try to explain, continuing, “You weren’t brainwashed. Junko wasn’t able to do that. Using the speakers, she played music that was bad for your ears and increased how hurt you felt when you watched your leader die. Then, she suggested to you that you had been brainwashed into helping her with the video. The effect of that hypnosis would have worn off if you had let it. Junko didn’t have the ability to change the hopeful content of the suggestive video.”

“You all drowned your pain with despair. You made the broken world who allowed Junko Enoshima to rise to power feel that same pain you did. All the Neo world program did was to cure you of your belief that you were under Junko’s control and perhaps also give you space to let hope be reborn within you.”

"..." Kazuichi stops protesting, looking down at his hands. Perhaps he is remembering the past. He was, in fact, part of the plot within our class that further destroyed what was left of their hope. However, when he speaks, it is not of that nightmare.

"Even if what you are saying is right, we. I think we want to move on, Izuru."

I tilt my head. "Really?"

"...yeah. At.. least I do. I want to make things right again. Not hurt people, you know. Help. Once we get a way off this island."

"So, why don't you wake up Nagito?"

"He won't feel the same way! And you aren't going to ever- EVER- convince me that he won't immediately try to kill us all!"

_(That's too bad...for you.)_

* * *

 What was my first memory...? As Hajime Hinata.. that lie has already faded from my memory, my first memory as him is Komaeda waking me up in the Neo-World program.

As Izuru Kamakura... chess. The white-robed humans loved it when I played chess. They were... _nerds_ , I guess the word would be. They grew tired of testing my physical talents—if I saw it, I could mimic it. My brain was their pride. They did not teach empathy, morals, only strategy, logic, and some philosophy & psychology in order to command better. I suppose that they thought the person I was before already had morals ingrained within them so that they could not be erased. Language had certainly transferred over, but morals... Not so much.

I suppose they forgot. I was just the final lab rat for their hope. So.. when the first one died, they had no idea it was me. After the second.. third... they put me away. I was still a success, they said. I was a successful murderer. Ironically, it was for my hope to escape.

It was so loud there, busy. It was too loud, and I didn’t want to hear them or speak to them anymore. Forcing myself to drag my body out of bed felt herculean. I felt there was an invisible boulder sitting on my chest, and moving was pointless. I was missing something.

When Junko came and freed me, she said it was the sun and freedom. Junko Enoshima, a person many people hate. Even now, I hold nothing against her. I worked with her willingly.. she took care of me. She let me wander the city with Monokumas killing the humans in my way or just sleep in the library, where no one would command me to play their games. She liked it when I killed, or when I watched them die. Enoshima let me control my classmates, she made a little game for me to send them their commands, and be their strategist. On the days when I felt crushed by the invisible boulder, she made sure I ate. She dragged me into the freezing ocean and tried to drown me when I hadn’t bothered to shower in a while. I felt that she was my sunshine, she chased the heavy clouds away with her despair. I was so young. I felt like one of the children she commanded, but I also felt lower than them, perhaps more like a pet. The clouds have never left my mind, even when Junko was there. They are like a storm that is always on the horizon but may, at any moment strike. And yet, I grew out of my revenge, my sadistic manipulation of my classmates. I began to see through Junko's control, and question myself and what I was doing.

* * *

 

I pull Kazuichi into my arms. It was cold, the air conditioning, even though the sun was out. I remember that his friendship warm like a car radiator. In his surprise, he struggles but cannot move, my arms growing ever tighter the more he struggles. I have been growing stronger. I gently tuck him in, after he passes out, and slip into the corridor. I sneak by a few rooms before arriving in the one that contains the sleeping Nagito, and a guard. I look at the imposter, who is so different from the real Byakuya.

“..you escaped. I was wondering when you would come. Is Kazuichi..?” His fingers tighten around the small pistol in his hand.

I raise my hands in the air in mock surrender. “Of course not, he’s sleeping. I’m no fool." He was  _(is)_ my best friend.

A small nod. The imposter turns on the machinery to revive Komaeda.

“I thought you were against this.” I said with a slight eyebrow raise.

“He’s part of our class.” He says, "And this is the best opportunity we are going to get."


End file.
